After coming home with my first baby, every night I would settle down watching television or listening to a book on tape and just sit there. Martin would sleep in my arms, and only in my arms. Every well-meaning person who heard this had a new solution: put him down drowsy, play wave sounds, take a ride in the car . . . you probably know all of them already. But, I swear, no matter what, he would remain asleep only in my arms. I gave up, and just stayed up and held him. He nursed and slept, slept and nursed.
Until that wonderful day when my husband came home with a broken knee.
I guess it wasn’t a broken knee, but something bad happened to it, and I’m not his doctor so I’m not responsible for knowing the details. I was woozy from having a baby three weeks earlier and not sleeping since. At some point, I do remember a surgery, and then some guy carrying a big knee machine into our house, hooking my husband up to it, and instructing him to stay on the couch downstairs. I also remember looking at the empty king-sized bed, and realized that since this little bundle of baby couldn’t go anywhere, maybe he could sleep there. Maybe he would sleep for just a few minutes next to me instead of in my arms if I got really close to him . . . and then it was 6:00 am.
And that’s how I invented co-sleeping. I thought I sort of did, actually, because I had yet to realize, from friends or the internet or books, that people actually did it. Let alone that it was being done for untold years around the world. I just hadn’t thought about it. Why didn’t someone suggest that to me along with the hair dryer and vacuum cleaner sounds?
I figured it out once I found myself lying about doing it. Co-sleeping can be as unpopular with some as it can be life-saving for others. You’ll never get him out of your bed . . . he’ll never wean . . . he’ll never learn to sleep by himself . . . when I heard that enough from some people, I just stopped talking about it–unless I was talking to someone who might have cause to try it or if I was in the mood to really discuss it.
It was an early lesson in doing what feels right, despite what others say (even the pediatrician sometimes) and in looking beyond my circle to trusted sources elsewhere. I needed to find my own parenting advice and support niche. (Thank you, Dr. Sears–this is when I found you.)
I think that even my husband will agree: the broken knee thing was worth the sleeping baby.
I so, so hear you. Co-sleeping was accidental for us, too, but boy, now I’m practically an advocate.
In fact (*shhh*) my son is 21 months and we still co-sleep. Quite peacefully. Well, except for the kicking little feet sometimes.
And I’m pretty sure he’ll start sleeping in his own bed long before high school nonetheless.
Yup, co-sleeping is the mother of invention. I like your story. I hope your husband’s knee is better. And the sleeping, ho. That’s always better.
Ha–Coco, I won’t tell you’re still doing it if you won’t tell that I am!
This is so interesting – I read another post on co-sleeping yesterday and both posts left me feeling…a little jealous. This is ironic because I have been a crazy sleep master in our house. I was very against having the kids (now 4 and 11 months) sleep with us, for all the reasons othrs oppose it — what about time alone with my husband, what about the baby’s saftely (dh sleeps like a bear in winter), what happens when they are 3 and I want my bed back?
And now, speaking honestly, I can’t help but recognize a little of what I have lost by wanting to have control.
We have it — everyone sleeps beautifully, bedtimes are always pleasant and easy…oh, but the snuggles I have missed.
mom–and here I am sometimes wishing I could just tuck a child into his own bed and get on with my life… Co-sleeping was truly, as Theresa commented, “the mother of invention” for me. I did not intend to do it; I guess the baby decided. I do love the feeling of the child next to me, but I know it’s kept me nursing way longer than I would be, and it has us playing musical beds some nights because my husband’s not quite as happy with it as I am.
You and I both have the same end results: great sleepers and happy bedtimes, so I guess it all worked out. And, if you don’t mind my saying so, you seem like a mom who has not missed many snuggles with her kids.
Aww – thanks, Marjorie. One nice part about bedtime is that we dance with each before bed – so we do book – dnace-bed. And that wonderful slow dance is just magical. Sometimes the 4 year old asks for “crazy dance” and we go really crazy, but most of the time, it’s a great slowdance – she’s had one every day of her life, too. Now the baby knows his songs as well. On the best night it’s all four of use dancing together. I love that.
So, that’s a pretty good snuggle. But last night, after the co-sleeping sadness, I went and got in bed with dd for a while. It was nice. Good inventing
Oh, mom–that dancing! Now that is a lovely bedtime invention!
Oh such a sweet, funny story. I loved it.
what a lovely discovery for you, and so well told.
Necessity is the ‘mother of invention’.
Which means that a need leads to a solution.
Co-sleeping is a solution, not a need. Atrocious misuses of a metaphor.
Not knowing that people have been sleeping together in beds for ever is an incredible lack of imagination.
Not know what the hell happened to your husband’s knee is simply incredible. I have hardly slept for two months now with my twins (YES, TWINS) and can still remember the size in quarter inches of my freezer in my new apartment. If my hubby ‘broke’ his knee, I’d damn well know what had happened to it. In particular I would like to know when it would be better so he could help me with the babies.
Thank you, “someone,” for your concern about my lack of imagination and my knowledge of my husband’s knee.
Never fear; just a few light-hearted, tongue-in-cheek, kinda sarcastic references to co-sleeping as an actual safe, valid option for me, and to the fact that the knee was a priority for neither my husband nor myself at that time. I have a nice little file with x-rays, etc. should we ever forget a detail or two.
(I will, though, maintain that for some people, co-sleeping sure is a need.)
I hope that makes you feel better–you seemed awfully upset by this post.
Take care.
I’ve been a silent, happy reader of this blog. But after reading “someone’s” comments felt the need to pipe in.
“Someone”, actually, in the developmental psychology literature it has been well documented that many leaders in the field believe that co-sleeping is a “need” in that the desire to do so is hard-wired in the infant brain, much as breast feeding is. Even if you disagree, calling Marjorie’s writing an “atrocious misuse” of a metaphor goes beyond making your point – it is pejorative and unnecessary in making your point.
Second, “not knowing that people have been sleeping together in beds” could equally be because mothering information is transmitted in such a way that not all options are always presented equally by doctors, family and friends to new mothers. Looking at all the cultures present now and throughout history and comparing how they raise children I think it would be safe to venture that not all mothers are aware of how other mothers raise their children. For instance, what about all the mothers in the 1950’s who were shamed if they picked up their baby crying in the crib? They didn’t know it was ok to do otherwise!
The thing that I love about this blog is how Marjorie is not afraid to bravely examine her beliefs in order to become the absolute best mother (and human being) she can be. She is creating a space where feminist parents (and future parents) can dialogue and support each other. So “someone”, while I do indeed strongly disgree with your comments, I MORE strongly take offense to the attitude that you bring to this otherwise positive blog: If your intent is not to be a positive, constructive contributor to this discussion then your comments do not belong here.
Sandy–thanks so much for your comment. I appreciate your support and compliments.
I think you’ve hit on something extremely important when you bring up how new mothers get their information. I thought back to my extremely supportive family and friends, my miraculous ob-gyn, my great nurse-midwives, my fantastic pediatricians, and all of the mainstream books, magazines, and web sites that I read while pregnant . . . and my only real impression of co-sleeping was that it wasn’t very safe and would cause me big problems down the road with my child’s sleeping habits. I would guess that most new mothers don’t go into a decision thinking, “All my trusted sources of advice have deemed this unsafe and problem-causing, so let’s give it a try!” Looking back, after co-sleeping through two children, it’s bizarre that I had that impression, but there it was. (As much as I still love my support system, there are other sources I’ve added to it that give me a more complete system of getting information that I need. I guess it’s just a matter of figuring things out and researching and experiencing…) Extended (really extended) breastfeeding is a whole other thing, too…..
Thank you, Sandy! Co-sleeping is, indeed, “needed” by many children and many parents. If you have a restless child and you are also tired, why not sleep together? Why not make that discovery?
It’s too true that many of us feel we need to learn to parent through books. It’s too true that the books we learn from like to proclaim their solutions that may not mesh with the way you live your life. It’s too true that these books also leave out essential information that our grandmother’s knew by heart.
One of those things is to trust yourself as a parent. You don’t have to play by “parenting rules,” you can make it up as you go. You can invent creative solutions.
Just last night, I stood around a kitchen table with about ten other women, women who I thought always gave me funny looks when I talked about co-sleeping with my daughter. Turns out, most of them co-sleep too. We all feel cozier when we sleep with others. Why else would we share a bed with our lover? We all admitted that we loved the extra snuggles and waking up to a little grinning face.
And, personally, I love getting to sleep while A__ nurses. I don’t need to be awake for that! I get to watch her nurse all the time, I don’t mind missing a few sessions
As for “someone,” i hope you get more help with your twins because you seem awfully cranky. it’s not fun being sleep deprived with one infant, and i can’t imagine the double load. I truly wish you the best.
okay, okay, sorry about taking up all your bloggy space. i guess maybe i’ll have to post about this so i can use up my own space instead of writing the longest comment in history.
Hi! I’ve been snooping around in your archives. It is so refreshing to read about another co-sleeper.
I co-slept with my son who is now 11 yrs old (sleeps by himself now and is very independent), my 2-yr old daughter (who’s now sleeping with dad), and currently co-sleep with my 2-mo old twins (whew). I tell most people they’re in cribs (including our pediatrician) so I won’t have to watch their heads explode over the thought of sharing a bed.
onthecurb–I will feel much more comfortable when I lie now knowing that you’re out there, too. It’s usually not worth the trouble of those exploding heads; I so agree. Better to share it with the universe on a blog.
Ha, share it with the universe on a blog indeed!
I take comfort in knowing we have our own “secret” club.